Lindsey, newsletter # 45
Nantes, Sunday 2nd of October, 23-00.
Two weeks of treatment to go. The most positive thing we can say about the past week is that it is past us.
We had to change the dosage of medicine, worry about many things, see the ear specialist on Friday as Lindsey was complaining about the ear. Worry, worry, worry…
Mostly, Lindsey has been strong physically but muddled at many moments. Appetite is still good and well looked after (see picture).
Nevertheless, it was great to have Jill’s help during this week. We realize this is about team work!
I am sometimes afraid that this blog which was supposed to be about Lindsey may end up about me. Any reader who doesn’t want this and feels bored with my introspections may benefit from the progress of technology and click here.
I am discovering more and more about the human nature. At first I thought it was just bad luck: complicated professional problems have seemed to arise everywhere in the past couple of weeks. I couldn’t understand why, just now, I was discovering that collaborators in who I trusted where undermining my efforts. I would find out that projects closely linked with my own actions were being launched in which I was not part of, then that these collaborators were asking me to stand down to let them run the projects I had launched.
I then realized that this could not be bad luck and had to obey to more complex reasons. Perhaps, was this all in order to help? Perhaps did they feel that I had too much on my plate and that it was not worth bothering me? But then I cease to be informed so (I suppose) it becomes absurd to let me participate to the decision making. I don’t realize this (nothing is said) and still think I have a say, so I will propose an action, suggest a policy. More importantly, the principles for which I have been advocating for long become secondary: again, nothing is said, but you realize that the route which is taken is necessarily going to lead to a conflict between the principles and some now unavoidable decisions.
And then the clash: you still want to put forward the principles, but since you are no longer part of the decision group, you become a problem. The problem. And you are told to step down.
My friend Pierre told me that I was in fact facing a problem oncologists warn their patients about: « during the first couple of months there is a lot of empathy. But prepare for the blow! because after this period professional relations become nasty with people attempting to get rid of you ».
Another image is that of the wolf pack. When an old wolf is injured, the younger wolves will start by helping, perhaps licking his wound. But rapidly they will enjoy the taste of the wound and will bite. And when one starts biting the others will follow. It is actually ecologically sensible: eliminating the old wolf is probably a good thing for the pack.
Only it hurts.
Lindsey, newsletter # 46
Nantes, Friday 6th of October, 20-00, then Sunday 10-00
At last the week-end! This remark we all make, obviously. But it has a special meaning as I write these lines, lying on the bed with Lindsey resting next to me. I feel exhausted, but then I look at her and feel I can’t even understand what « being exhausted » means.
The 5 last few days have been very difficult. It started rather well. On Monday there was punch. Lindsey even made the dinner! On Tuesday things were still OK. She started making the dinner but had to let me finish. I do understand that « making the dinner » is not an essential clinical assessment, but it does require stamina, planning, organisation, etc.
Then, little by little things became worse. Lindsey much more tired and more emotional. Emotions are very understandable, of course, but they are very difficult to deal with too. So we decided, with the doctor, to add some anxiolytics to the treatment.
I am not sure that these are kicking in yet. If anything, seeing 7 tablets on her tray in the morning isn’t doing much for the morale.
If I started this entry on the bed on Friday evening, I am completing it in a chair on Sunday morning. On Friday I had to interrupt because the noise of my fingers clicking on the keyboard was unbearable to Lindsey. Again an effect of the radiations: the left ear is perceiving too strongly certain wavelengths…
And yesterday was Saturday: Market in the morning, Supermarket in the afternoon, and the rest of the time dealing with millions of administrative items: reimbursements from Korea (it seems that the social security is dissatisfied that the bills are written in Korean… what do they expect me to do?), bills for the cleaner (interestingly, whereas these have arrived on time, the money we are supposed to receive from the insurance has not), and many other items of that nature.
As I wrote above, the week had been hard. I gave nearly 20 hours of lectures, and a couple of extra talks on Friday. This may seem little to people outside University, but lecturing is normally only about 10% of my time…
We have no pictures this week. Essentially because Lindsey has gone out very little. It seems clear that the next 10 days, until the end of the radiotherapy is going to just be about resting as much as possible, recovering and battling on.
Love
Lindsey, newsletter # 47
Nantes, Tuesday 11th of October, 22-30
Boris arrived on Monday. Vikki left on Tuesday for a well-deserved rest in Malta. We are attacking the last week of treatment. Monday was very hard and Tuesday started in the same manner. Then, somehow, things brightened up a bit and there was that little bit of extra energy and more importantly the capacity of opening up and talking about other matters.
The result was a very nice evening with a great roast (Boris cooking).
Love.
Lindsey, newsletter # 48
Nantes, Sunday 16th of October, 17-00.
So little to report…
We knew this was going to be a terrible week. It didn’t quite make the term « terrible ». It stayed somewhere between « frustrating » and « difficult ».
Vikki left on Tuesday to discover Malta, enjoy the sun, boost her morale and rest. So Boris took a week holiday and arrived on Sunday afternoon.
He has proved to be another great asset showing talent when cooking, ironing, deeding, measuring medicine, shopping, driving to and from the hospital.
Having Boris around was great. I actually even managed to spend one night in Paris (Thursday). This was not easy for me…
Lindsey has been tired. Very tired. This means spending a lot of time in bed. It means requiring a wheelchair when we go to the hospital. It also means incoherence in conversations and a very emotional situation.
The week-end… Boris and I managed to bring Lindsey down for lunch. And that is about it.
We now only have two more radiotherapy sessions left (Monday and Tuesday). After that we get into what they call « the rest period ». We should see Lindsey recovering. Let’s wait and hope.
Love
Lindsey, newsletter # 49
Nantes, Saturday 30th of October, 14-00.
Lindsey resting next to me. The ghastly oedema had left her quiet for 3 days but decided to make her life hell once again. It’s not just about the pain, it’s about life itself.
In moments like these I remember a beautiful day in June, on the Kumano Kod
o. I probably was too far under the Japanese influence but I couldn’t fail to understand that we were just so wonderfully happy that it was surely going to be impossible to match that happiness. And the Japanese conclusion was crystal clear then… possibly the same one as the intelligent gambler takes: leave the game when you are on top. Fifty-four years of Judeo-Christian education were too strong to do anything drastic.
I should apologize at this point for not having updated the blog for a couple of weeks. I suppose the reasons were that I usually use the week-end for this and last week-end was just too difficult. I also have been kept very busy by my work and cooperating with looking after Lindsey.
Cooperating, because we have been (and are) many involved.
Boris was in Nantes till the 19th. His presence was very comforting, his efforts were precious.
My brother Luis was with us for quite a few days too. We valued his cooking and the care he took. He also had a medical opinion which is something I have been needing for some time.
Jill came for one week, Friday to Friday. She was here at a difficult time, possibly when help was needed most.
And Vikki came back from her Maltese trip. With renewed energy!
As I wrote in the last entry, Lindsey’s Radiotherapy and Chemotherapy sessions ended on Tuesday 18th. We had madly supposed that with this, the period coming next would be quiet and recovery would be rapid. This has not been the case: the end of the radiotherapy comes with higher doses accumulated over the burden of the past weeks. So the whole period has been just the consequence of that: Lindsey exhausted, with morale shifting very much.
I am left with dozens of boxes of pills and I try combinations: should we stop the anxiolytics in the morning? Is Codeine going to work better than Tramadol? Can we get away with only Paracetamol?…
On Monday (24th), things started getting better. Little by little, the good hours have become longer, there has been more strength. Lindsey has been interested in herself again, her hair, her skin. She has also been picking up strength and wanting to fight back.
Small walks have taken place, and she has started working with the physiotherapist.
On Thursday evening, Jacques and Thierry arrived. They drove from Paris (and drove back the next day). With them we have had some brilliant times over the years. Our claim to fame has been repeating canal boat renting in England over two consecutive summers. To the amazement of many we found great fun driving down the canals, stopping for the night close to convenient pubs and enjoying the English summers. I can only send the reader onto a video in which it is clear that this was not for those scared of high speeds, we got a reduction because we kindly decided to clean the branches from both sides of the canal as we sailed down and I am quite incapable of filming.
We had a great evening on Thursday and my attempt to cook Moby Dick, a 2.3kg bonito succeeded.
And even better on the next day (yesterday) where we went to the restaurant. This was the first such experiment since July.
Love